Five Guests Prince William and Kate Middleton Should Not Invite To Their Wedding; Camilla Parker Bowles is Tops

After eight years of being together, Prince William and Kate Middleton have decided to marry. No surprise there since everyone had been assuming that Kate is indeed the one for William. The only thing everyone is agog to see is the wedding dress. Who did Kate finally choose to design the dress? Remember, this will be the dress everyone will talk about for decades since Princess Diana's much-copied voluminous taffeta wedding gown in 1981.

While the crowd bites its nails in anticipation, the question foremost now in everyone's minds is: who will be invited to the royal wedding? Who would be on that much-anticipated list? What's more interesting, however, are the names of the people who shouldn't be invited. Here are five:

5. Mohamed Al Fayed

Al Fayed practically drumrolled the conspiracy theory surrounding Princess Diana's death along with his son and heir Dodi Al Fayed. If he is to be believed, Diana and Dodi are said to be engaged (Dodi already brought the ring), an unacceptable situation to the royal family since it would mean that if Diana married Dodi she would have converted to Islam and given William a Moslem sis or brod. Not juicy enough? Another theory thrown in by the feisty Fayed is that Prince Philip masterminded the murders. Since old cantankerous Philip will be at the wedding, expect World War III to commence once these two "lovebirds" finally meet face to face.

4. Paul Burrell

Paul Burrell gained fame as Diana's ever-caring butler. Burrell, who styled himself as the late princess' "rock" (what she actually said was "you're wearing my frock" cheekily recounts author Tina Brown in her bestselling book, The Diana Chronicles ) went on to write a book and earn millions simply by cashing in on his relationship with the late princess. If William were stupid enough (which he's not) to send him an invite, expect the former butler to go bragging about it in town. Guest appearances on Fox News, CNN, and possibly Oprah to follow.

3. Karl Lagerfeld

The cadaverous designer, who once famously called Diana "stupid" after a private meeting with Camilla Parker Bowles who neither has the looks nor the height to carry any haute couture label, should not even be mentioned in the list for obvious reasons. That "stupid" brand about Diana is rather, well, stupid. Lagerfeld was obviously comparing a high ranking royal wife to an overblown mistress wise to the ways of boudoir etiquette. A young wife, for example, would react more naturally to witnessing her husband's valet squeezing a tube of toothpaste while the husband waits to brush his teeth. "How positively gay", would have been Diana's reaction to such a cringe-inducing scene. Camilla would have trilled and cooed simply because, well, aside from being her lover, wasn't Charles also her benefactor? And when Diana screams at poor Charles to get a proper job instead of cooing and talking to his plants, Camilla, in turn, would applaud such a behavior as "manly" and appropriate. Get the drift, dear old Karl? And since Kate will not be expected to wear haute couture from the French side of the Atlantic, no use really to invite Lagerfeld unless, of course, he goes as Donatella Versace's escort.

2. Tom Parker Bowles

Tom Parker Bowles is the biggest loser in the Charles-Camilla-Diana affair. If those pesky royal courtiers had not judged dear old mom as unsuitable for lacking the V-plates necessary for becoming a royal wife, he would have been king instead of William. Confused? Think about it, if Charles had married the sexually adventurous Camilla, Thomas Henry Parker Bowles would have been his first born instead of William. Prince Tom and Kate? Nah. It just isn't in the cards for dear old Tom. This wedding might be doubly significant for Tom though. First, he goes to Charles and Diana's wedding with his mom knowing full well that any chance of him being royal (if Charles adopts him or something) is blown to bits by the marriage. And now, William, Diana's son, usurping what should have been his place as first-born, royal son, prince, heir, king. The double tragedy for Tom Parker Bowles? He simply is not Diana's son.

1. Camilla Parker Bowles

Since her marriage to her whiny prince, Camilla Parker Bowles remains hated by millions. It isn't simply that she looks like a frightening old hag or that she doesn't like taking baths or that she looks dumb as a dead doornail. Camilla, like her son Tom, simply isn't Diana. Although her much-vaunted intelligence was trumpeted by Charles as bigger if not better than the late princess, there's no proof of it so far. What are her accomplishments? What has she done as a royal that deserves people's respect even accolade? Camilla is lazy and seemed to be merely content propping up Charles' buffoonery and his pseudo intellectualism (which consist mostly of talking to plants, criticizing visionary architects for building structures he doesn't have the talent nor the imagination to create in the first place), and writing members of parliament how hands-on his reign would be if his mom (the Queen) dies (finally) and he becomes king (which is likely to be 20 years from now). But the number one reason for not inviting Camilla to the wedding? Let's face it, the aging mistress is in desperate need of a makeover herself. Five years as a royal wife has brought her nothing but people's dislike and growing horror of her ever becoming queen. Queen Camilla? You can practically see the barleys shaking in terror in down under Australia, Canada and other Commonwealth countries. Camilla wants to rehabilitate her image by insinuating herself as Kate's mentor. Dear, you tried that once with Diana. She laughed in your face and went on to become one of the most dearly loved icons of the 20th century. Not bad for a girl you once said should be institutionalized for being bulimic, right?