The Demi And Ashton Bust Off: Revenge Of The Man-Boy

So, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are kaput. Knew it would happen; knew it as soon as Demi’s expensive bodywork started hugging the limelight. After Ashton’s delectable side dish started dishing the Two and a Half Men star, it was only a matter of time before Demi and Ashton uncoupled. Now, what’s left to do is split the hope chest in half and start labeling each expensive bauble as ‘his’ or ‘hers’.

The Demi and Ashton uncoupling of course put women’s hackles up, while the men remember fondly nursing a turgid reaction while watching the lissome brunette shake and grind in Striptease . A teenage Ashton might have the same reaction as Paul Finch did as he beheld in awe the ample charms of Stifler’s mom.

Clearly, ensnaring a fresh-faced slightly vacuous young man consolidated Demi’s status as prime cougar beyond question. It is, however, Ashton Kutcher who got more from the relationship than Erin Wood’s reported $100 million divorce settlement from the tiger cub. Ashton not only upped his star value after hooking up with the demi-goddess he also parlayed his catch into a successful career as a favorite pitchman for several high-profile products. And if you follow him on Twitter, you’re seriously cool man.

But before all these happened, before Demi, before what’s-her-name hooker, does anyone even remember Ashton in That 70s Show ? And after co-starring in a mindlessly moronic movie called Dude, Where’s My Car , his career was obviously going Mark Hamill’s way after Star Wars . Anyone remember any worthwhile starlet he dated before Demi? Obviously, dating and marrying Bruce Willis’ ex did more for Ashton’s career than paying top price for any high-powered talent agent in Hollywood. After all, Demi was as good as any gold minted American Express card from Ashton’s view of the fence. Just flash her teeth and voila, doors open wide and Ashton got his stalled career back on track.

Married to Demi, Finch-like Ashton became the poster boy for all masturbating-loving, anxious-to-shed-their-virginity pubescent of the Facebook and Twitter generation. Also under the spotlight, the Demi-Ashton coupling helped unleash the cougar phenomenon not seen since Ursula Andress undressed in two bits of tiny clothing in the film adaptation of the James Bond classic Dr. No . Interestingly, the much-older Ursula Andress later coupled with the much younger and thick-haired Harry Hamlin, who must have been in his teens when the first sight of Honey Ryder startled moviegoers when she sprung from the sea dressed in her wet and white bikini.

Ashton and Demi may be kaput but hope springs eternal, especially in the bosoms of the next generation of Paul Finches in the mould of Ashton. After the Ashton experience, cougar-collecting is the new viable hobby for the getting-there-but-I-need-a-push semi-famous young upstarts in Hollywood. It’s not so much that these women have money it’s their status and aura of elegant sophistication that matters. And no, Lindsay Lohan doesn’t count because she’s damaged professionally, she’s been with a dike, and she probably smells like a chimney.

So, go ahead and weep for poor Demi. But for my money, I’d cheer for Ashton. He went Finch’s way and not only got himself the rarest catch of the cougar bunch but also revitalized his million-dollar TV comeback based on nothing but the flimsiest of Twitter feeds and by flashing photos of his wife’s 50-something tight backside on his site. Shh, don’t tell the wifey.